Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Tie a Day, Number 110

I have decided to wear ties when they; 1) go with the clothes I want to wear, and 2) whichever tie matches first. Regardless of how ugly the tie is, I pick one tie that matches and move on. It is important to me that I give them all an equal opportunity to be worn and shared with the world.

I imagine that when I am not around all of my ties have secret meetings about me and discuss how fair, or unfair my choices are to each tie. My cat, Ducky, sits in judgment of each case and determines what punishment is appropriate for each infraction, and then acts accordingly.

When I mistreat a particular tie, and the offense is minor, she might try out the annoying meow that is amazingly loud for such a small animal. This punishment is administered when I am almost asleep, and she is somewhere on the floor. It is like a small siren that makes my heart race as if an ambulance is paying a visit to the house.

As level of tie offense escalates, so does my penalty. I might find a tasty hairball right where I step to get on, or off the bed- just to remind me that every tie should get a chance to leave the house for a little tie-cation.

Sometimes I awake in the middle of the night to find Ducky with her behind just inches away from my nose. I am sure this is some sort of cat threat, but I can’t exactly place it on the tie penalty scale. Even though nothing really happens, it is a scary event, and she knows I don’t like it.

The worst thing I can do is to totally disrespect a tie in front of his peers. Maybe I hold it up and say something like, “Oh God no! I can’t wear this tie. It is butt ugly!” The penalty, if you can imagine, is extreme. Ducky will climb up on the bed, and urinate right where I sleep.

Having animals and small children, my wife and I do have a plastic bed cover that protects the mattress from such harsh judgments. So no permanent damage is done, just an assault on my sleeping zone and the annoyance of being forced to change the sheets. My cat is smart, being 15 years old, she knows exactly how to upset me.

And all the ties in my closet rejoice…

Like this ugly one that I wore yesterday. Red background with a blue, yellow and white paisley design; I have never really liked this tie, but I was careful to not announce it in front of the other ties before leaving the house on Monday. The cat was watching me the whole time!

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