Thursday, April 28, 2011

Godzilla Hates Technology Go-Go Godzilla, by Blue Oyster Cult

Godzilla is a monster that was created by technology (a nuclear explosion). He uses his enormous size and special powers to destroy everything in his path. Sometimes he fights the good fight protecting humanity, but he also likes to fight men and demolish their puny toys.

One day when I was checking my daily
Diigo updates in my inbox, I came across the Warning Sign Generator. I cracked up when I saw the Godzilla graphic that I could add to a sign. Seeing him crush an airplane instantly made me think “Godzilla Hates Technology.” Just like any bad idea will do, it stuck with me until I could wrap it up in one complete package.

I think that if Godzilla could be interviewed, it might go something like this…

Piers Morgan: Godzilla, thank you for coming on the show tonight. I know our audience really appreciates you coming by to share your thoughts.

Godzilla: No problem. I don’t mind, but can we hurry up? I really wanted to crush a village or two tonight before I hit the sack.

Piers Morgan: Alright then, why do you hate technology?

Godzilla: Buttons, plugs, lights and buzzing noises… Ugh! Who needs it? I would just like to go back to the good old days when I giant lizard could just get some sleep in peace and quiet.

Piers Morgan: What if you took the time to learn about technology? Then you might see how it can make your life better and easier.

Godzilla: I don’t have time for that mess. Learning about it keeps me from doing my thing; destroying and using my Atomic Breath. That is good stuff. How could life be any better than that? No, technology is bad, so I crush it.

Piers Morgan: Maybe if you had someone help you? You could ask for help from someone you trust.

Godzilla: Are you kidding me? I am an all-powerful being! Asking for help would be admitting weakness and telling the world I am stupid! That is not going to happen.

Piers Morgan: You have worked with others to overcome a common foe in the past,
Destroy All Monsters, comes to mind. Could you work with people?

Godzilla: No. The temptation to destroy you and your creations is too great.

Piers Morgan: At times you seem to have shown protective feelings for people. Do you feel any sense of protection for people? Or is that just an odd circumstantial accident?

Godzilla: Whatever makes your day go better, buddy. But truth be told, I like you little guys. You are delicious! Just kidding…

Piers Morgan: You scared me there for a second.

Godzilla: Good! That’s the way I like it. I see it like this, I need you all. If Godzilla squishes a town but no one sees it, it doesn’t much matter. Besides, I do like to snack.

Piers Morgan: Ahem…

Godzilla: Ha! I love making you squirm, Piers.

Piers Morgan: Back to technology for a minute if we can?

Godzilla: Sure. (
Roars a little)

Piers Morgan: Don’t you think that if you adopted technology for your own purposes you might be regarded as a leader of men instead of a creature to be feared? Do you want to prevent mankind from being all it can be?

Godzilla: So I should help people with technology? Maybe then they could progress faster… Possibly even leading to my replacement? Or destruction?! Did you see
Super-Mechagodzilla? That thing tried to kill me. No way am I going to help to destroy myself!

Piers Morgan: Have you ever considered that with, or without you, technology will continue to change the world, and if you don’t work with it, technology will indeed hasten your final departure?


Piers Morgan: Easy big fella…

Godzilla: Well, if it is true that I can’t get rid of technology, then it will just have to wait until I am retired. Until then, I reserve the right to point out its ultimate weakness by stomping on it!

Piers Morgan: So all technology is bad?

Godzilla: Yes!

Piers Morgan: What about
your friend Jet Jaguar? Isn’t he a robot? Robots are technological things.

Godzilla: After he gained self-awareness and realized how awesome I am… Well, look, now you are hitting below the belt and starting to upset me!

Piers Morgan: (Loud crash in the background) What was that?

Godzilla: Opps. (looks over shoulder)What kind of a car do you drive?

Piers Morgan: It is a light blue Prius.

Godzilla: I think I may have just crushed it.

Piers Morgan: Ah, man! I can’t believe it. Why would you do that?

Godzilla: It was an accident! You were irritating me and when I become annoyed my tail twitches. Relax, I am sure you have insurance, and this would be covered under act of God….zilla!

Piers Morgan: Very funny.

Godzilla: Like I said, it was an accident. I like Prius’ because they use less gas which decreases the demand for oil. Some of my best friends were dinosaurs and I really resent the fact that people are burning them up as fast as they can. Barbzilla…oh yeah. She was nice!

Piers Morgan: I think science has shown that
oil doesn’t come from dinosaurs.

Godzilla: What? Don’t you start telling me any crazy mess, my pinkie toe is bigger than you and I have been laying waste to entire cities since long before you were a gleem in your Daddy's eye, so I know what’s what!

Piers Morgan: I apologize. I lost my head. You just crushed my car and I really, just simply forgot my manners and who I was speaking to…

Godzilla: That’s better.

Piers Morgan: Look, I just want to make things better between us humans and you; to reach out, and agree on some small point about technology so that we can always be on the same side. You have protected us in the past against enemies like
King Ghidorah who after destroying an ancient civilization on Venus came to Earth to do the same. Is it possible for us to learn to work together on all things?

Godzilla: I am the most important thing on this planet and that is what I care most about. I don’t like change and I am not playing second fiddle to anyone else, or any gadget. PERIOD! Read My Lips-
Roars! You “people” made me like this with your technology. You gave me powers and then shot at me when I was minding my own business just trying them out. That kind of set my attitude for life right there!

Piers Morgan: So, if I am hearing you correctly; you don’t care about the advancement of humankind, you don’t want to work with anyone else, you don’t like “gadgets” as you call them, and you don’t want to learn anything new. You just want to keep doing what you have always done until you retire.

Godzilla: And I didn’t think you were paying attention!

Piers Morgan: Well, that about does it for this interview.

Godzilla: Not yet.

Piers Morgan: What do you mean?

Roars (sprays studio with Atomic Breath)

Monday, April 11, 2011

NFL Lockout Continues…

The first big NFL event of the year approaches and I have packed up all my NFL related wear into storage boxes. Shirts, coats, ties, underwear, hats, running pants, and even shorts are packed up because I refuse to support a sport that doesn’t care about me, the lower middle class fan that spends more money than he should. I have supported the NFL up until now but the NFL is not returning my love. I have been left in the land of “Uncertain Sports Future.” If there is still a lockout, why would I want to watch the draft? And If I did, would I watch the official NFL version or would I watch the web based player’s version?

I have imagined what it would be like for football players to enter the real world workforce. I think it might look a little like this…

Until the NFL is whole again, I will not support the players or the owners.