Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Why I should have been a Superhero...

There are many reasons that I believe that I should have been a Superhero. It is not just because I think it would awesome to fly, or have bullets bounce off my chest. That would be so cool! I just think I already have some useful abilities and qualities that would work really well if I was a member of the "Marvel Universe," or part of the "Justice League."

I hate injustice.
Being a Libra, it is important for me to feel balance in all things. I am outraged by injustice. Inequality sends me off the deep end. Some people strive to get ahead by any means. I, on the other hand, feel guilty if there is some sort of favoritism involved if it benefits me. I have the need to protect the innocent and weak. Children and small animals must be protected from the ugliness of the world and it just doesn't seem to be happening like it should. Somebody needs to step up and take charge of this mess.

I fight authority.
I always question authority. There are times when I am in agreement with what I am told, but other times I am simply upset by what seems to make absolutely no sense at all. The people in charge don't often offer explanations to justify what is going on. They don't have to, they are in charge. This seems wrong to me, almost as if it flies in the face of what democracy means. Motive is important for me to understand. I ask, "Why," a lot. Some people lose the ability to ask this after the age of 21.

This type of thing never sits well with Superman, either. If you are in charge you better OK whatever you want to do with Superman because if you don't, he will do what he thinks is right, and that means wrecking you plans. And breaking stuff, he is always good about that. Superman is not the only superhero who fights authority. It almost seems to be a "must have" quality about Superheros in general.

I am imperfect.
All Superheros are imperfect with some kind of personality or equipment flaws. Even the most perfect of all Superheros, Wonder Woman was flawed. Why in the world would you want an invisible plane? You can hear the plane, and see her sitting on something while she moves moves. How does she find it when she is not in it? Stupid. Although, I would never tell her this because she is totally hot and can kick butt.
I have tons of flaws! I am bullheaded, cranky, and I won't watch"Old Yeller," because I know it will make me cry. In fact, I have more than enough flaws to qualify to be a Superhero. Would that make me overqualified for the position?

I have special powers.
-I have the ability to annoy anyone. If I can't figure out what really gets under someone's skin, I can use, "the most annoying sound in the world." It is a special sound that I have developed- kind of a cross between a whale call and a bird screech. I can vary the pitch and volume to create a wonderfully annoying effect. The ability to annoy others can also be used as a distraction tactic while I work for my true goals. Simply annoying someone is good for nothing, there must be another goal in mind. Otherwise you have just made someone angry. That is never nice.
-I have the power of sarcasm. I am able to detect sarcasm as well as use it to accomplish my goals. Some people do not have this ability. This is a vicious weapon that I use the most restraint with because the misuse of this power is cruel. A Superhero should never be mean. Mean is purposefully hurting someone else for no good reason.
-I have the ability to hypercaffeinate. Super speed and energy mode makes me feel nearly indestructible. This mode doesn't last long, but I can always recharge.
-My wife would say that I have another power, the disgusting ability of creating a funky odor on command. I disagree, I don't believe that is a super power for me. That is only because the smell doesn't bother me, and I can't do it whenever I want. This is a myth.

I would love to have a secret identity.
I could work on my Irish accent, because I can't remember any Superhero that uses an accent while in disguise. I say Irish accent because every time I attempt to use some kind of foreign accent, my wife says something like, "I didn't know that Bob Marley was Irish." You have to go with what works. No one would ever think that I was a superhero. "Al, a super hero in disguise? No way, Super Annoying Guy doesn't sound like a disturbed Leprechaun."
I would also have some sort of fake moustache and a sombrero. This would completely fool anyone. Who in the world would consider a guy with a moustache and a sombrero that speaks with an Irish accent to be a superhero in hiding? It is ridiculous. They might think I was a mental defect, but never a Superhero. Mission accomplished.
Look at Superman's secret identity. A pair of glasses? Give me a break. What kind of real world disguise is that where the entire population is thrown off by a pair of wire rims? My disguise would work in the real world.

I have one true vulnerability.
The people I care about- that is where it hurts me. My family and friends are my weakness, and my strength. I can't stand the thought that anything bad could happen to those people that I love. I wish no harm to anyone, but I would protect the people I love with my last breath at the expense of any who would harm them. Even without special powers this is true.

I don't believe in a no win situation.
Just like Kirk and "The Kobayashi Maru," I don't believe in a no win situation. I know Captain Kirk is not a traditional Superhero, but he has always been one to me. Anyway, I believe that this is important because it is a never give up mentality. Even if you have to cheat to win. This idea would seem to be in direct conflict with my fighting injustice stance, but it is not. When one fights evil, there is no cheating. Remember this is only if I was a Superhero. In real life there are no win situations everyday, I just don't call them that. They are just pebbles in the stream. Unless they are really big, and then they are,"Damns!"

And finally, I should have been a superhero because I believe that there should be theme music whenever I enter the room. I am not really sure why, but I think it would be great to have your own theme music. Whenever this happens on TV, you always know the bad guy is going to get it, and everything will be OK.

Maybe that is what I really want, to make everything OK, for everyone...

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