Monday, February 9, 2009

Outlaw

I didn't start out to be a lawbreaker, it snuck up on me. You might not be able to see that I am a criminal when you meet me, but I am a criminal. I do look kind of shady if I haven't shaved for a couple of days.

As any real, hardened, criminal will tell you, society made me this way. I want to be a law abiding citizen. I just can't do it.

The truth is that I have expired inspection stickers on both of my vehicles. I am tired of being ashamed of this transgression against society. I am not proud of my illegal activities. I have just decided to accept that this is the way things are in my world.

I don't know what the penalty for driving a minivan that is 3 months past due on the state car inspection, but I imagine a pistol whipping as part of the arresting procedure. If the police found out I had 2 cars that were 3 months past due, I might be locked up for years.

Driving these vehicles around makes me feel like Bond, James Bond. The theme plays in head as scan the area for law enforcement. Luckily, my cars seem to be invisible. I don't remember requesting the Stealth coating from the dealership. It could be that the police have seen the stickers, but my old blue mini van and beat up Jimmy, that has paint flaking off the hood, just make them laugh.

Sure, you could call me a procrastinator, but I have to blame society for my criminal activity for 3 reasons;

1. Society says that I must work. This kills 5 days every week for car inspections and leaves only one day for this to be done. Inspections are done only in the mornings in all places that I have ever been to, and if you leave your car over night it complicates getting everyone where they need to be and involves friends, relatives and public transportation.

If I don't work, my family would need welfare and we would be a burden to society.

2. Society also says that in order to be a good parent you must sign your children up for all kinds of sports, lessons and after school activities. Over the span of a week, Amy and I get 15 mins of sit down time a day before 8:30 pm. Seriously.

I have to be the best parent I can be, for my children.

3. Our society is also a consumer based economy. Everyone is trying to make a sale and cars are always about to fall apart (according to the guys I always talk to). This coupled with the fact that I know nothing about cars makes me dread taking my car anywhere near an official state inspector. I can never leave any kind of car shop without a bill of over $300, and the feeling that I have just been violated. If it was just the $15 an inspection is supposed to be, and take only 20mins to complete, there would be no lawbreaking here.

If there are any trustworthy car places that do inspections and won't try to rob you, please share!

Amy and I joked that the only days we might be able to get the cars inspected would be in April during our spring break. We laughed our most villainous laughs while flipping through the calendar, and planned our most devious methods of detection avoidance. Now if I can just keep my car alarm from drawing any unwanted attention- I'll be all set!

Inspection sticker target dates, April 11th- 18th.
I have been thinking about getting a tattoo. Something that sums up my life in tribal lettering.

2 comments:

Sean said...

Try firestone by pembroke mall "Downtown VB" Tell them you are a friend of mine, "Frank" will know me. He wont rip you off rather inspect for you and your familys safty and maybe "recommend" some future enhancements to increase vehicle safety

Sean said...

Do know that Merchant Tire I know for a fact like some other places actually give commision to mechanics for required parts for repairs. Ahhh yet another reason I love my small town of 600 residents, 3 deputys, 1 gas station, 1 grocery store 1 mechanic and miles of deserted beach for me and the dog to plunder, fish and watch the sun rise and set.