Growing up is hard, but after 41 years I think it is time that I try. I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize that I am an outcast in the adult world because of my avoidance of this basic evolutionary demand, but the time to face facts is now.
I must purchase a suit. Yes, a jacket and pants made of the same material. Not one of those cool t-shirts with the suit silk-screened on. A real dress up suit, like a businessman or something. The problem is that I have two family weddings and a rehearsal dinner to attend in the month of June and I must look presentable. It seems to be some sort of behavioral expectation of men my age. I could probably get away with doing what I always do, but I think it is time that switch up and try on a new costume. A disguise of adulthood.
It is sad really. I mean my last suit was purchased for me when I was 21 (meaning my parents bought it for me in the hopes of giving me a magical suit that would transport me out of their house. It worked!). I used my one and only suit for maybe 5 or 6 occasions, including the all important 1st, and only, real job interview I ever had. It made an appearance at a funeral or two and a couple of weddings. Since then it has been gathering dust in my closet.
I would still wear the suit except that my proportions have changed a little since the suit was purchased. I used to work out a lot in college. At one time I could bench 300 pounds (it was probably less than that, but that is the inflated number that has wedged its way into my memory). Now my weight hasn't changed dramatically, but the suit won't fit. I haven't tried it on, but I just know it won't fit. Kind of like when you look at a kid's tricycle and think, "I really shouldn't put my butt on that thing."
Since then, I have worn only hand-me-down sport jackets and casual pants to all adult functions. The jackets came from my father-in-law's collection after he passed away. Death clothes. It is depressing wearing the stuff. My wife gets misty whenever I wear them, but if I give them away it would break her heart. So in my closet they have stayed, and every once in a while they come out for some special event.
I also have a mega collection of ties from the 80's. If you know of anyone who collects such things, let me know and I will happy to split the profit! Before you ask, I have no super thin ties. Just professional power type ties. My father's discards, I could not wear all of his other clothes. He was a tall man and I am height-challenged. Did I mention he has passed away also?
The issue is not that I don't like to look good. I just don't normally go places where I need to dress up, and I have no desire to impress others. I have three young children and they tend to make me stained, wrinkled and messy looking before I get to the door no matter what I wear. Ironing? Really, what is the point when you might have to rumble with a 4 year old before leaving the house?
Is it any wonder that I prefer wearing the same things I did when I was 16? Baggy jeans and tshirts. Shorts are great, and I really like my 10 year old Tevas. For some reason I have it in my head that I am not dressed comfortably unless I am wearing clothes that I can wear while doing the splits. Never mind that I could never do the splits without rupturing vital man parts in the first place.
Maybe I just don't care what I look like, I mean, I still wear t-shirts that have to be 10 years old. The fabric is so thin and soft, it almost feels like I am wearing nothing. That could be because of the holes.
I need to forget all of my desires for wearing comfortable clothes, and for only 3 days in the next few weeks, look like an adult with a wardrobe. I must wear a suit. I am not happy about this need to dress up, mostly because I really don't like to shop for clothes for myself. You have try things on! I really don't like trying clothes on.
I am hoping that someday a genius will create a laser scanner, like at airport security, that you can walk though and it will instantaneously be able to take all of your body measurements at once. After getting a scan, a computer will be able to pick out clothes that you would like based on color and design selections. Sounds almost like heaven.
I am pleased that I may finally be able to move away from the “Death Clothes Collection,” but growing up, even if it is only on the outside, doesn't seem to be as much fun as I thought that it would be when I was a kid.
Maybe I will get to wear this suit 7 times before it will not fit me anymore. Hopefully, each time will be for happy occasions. I wonder what my rose colored memory glasses will focus on in 20 more years. I will probably remember how awesomely fit I was as a 41 year old man...