Tie a Day, Number 75

Safety- this one word sums up so much of what drives me in life. Today’s tie is safe. Not unattractive, but this tie certainly lacks something. Imagination? Risk?

As I look at the ties I wear, I often see the reflection of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I like my life, I am very happy. What amuses me is that when I was younger I never could have imagined myself as I am today.

Recently, the family had an automotive crisis. We had always joked that we would drive our 2000 Dodge Caravan until the wheels fell off. I was reminded of this as the vehicle barely made it to the dealership for a trade in. The transmission was shot, and one valve was locked up in the engine. I didn’t think I was going to make it. We were looking at repairs that would cost more than the vehicle, so we were forced to buy a new car.

When we first purchased the Caravan, I was upset. I did not want anyone to see me driving a minivan, but with the second child on the way, it made the most sense. It was large, and safe.

I almost cried as I gave up my sporty little two door Honda Accord.

Last week, as Amy and I finally settled on a tricked out Kia Sedona, I was thrilled. This vehicle has just about everything that we could possibly want. Buttons were everywhere! Most of the buttons I didn’t even know what they were for, and I had to read the manual (I know, what was I thinking, reading the manual! Do I lose both my man card and my tech card for that?). Amazingly, this minivan even has seat warmers…

But the most important feature of all? It was safe. I know this vehicle will run, it is reliable, and it will keep my family safe in case of an accident.

Boy, would the 22 year old Al be laughing if he could see me today. Ignorant punk that he was!

Outlaw

I didn't start out to be a lawbreaker, it snuck up on me. You might not be able to see that I am a criminal when you meet me, but I am a criminal. I do look kind of shady if I haven't shaved for a couple of days.

As any real, hardened, criminal will tell you, society made me this way. I want to be a law abiding citizen. I just can't do it.

The truth is that I have expired inspection stickers on both of my vehicles. I am tired of being ashamed of this transgression against society. I am not proud of my illegal activities. I have just decided to accept that this is the way things are in my world.

I don't know what the penalty for driving a minivan that is 3 months past due on the state car inspection, but I imagine a pistol whipping as part of the arresting procedure. If the police found out I had 2 cars that were 3 months past due, I might be locked up for years.

Driving these vehicles around makes me feel like Bond, James Bond. The theme plays in head as scan the area for law enforcement. Luckily, my cars seem to be invisible. I don't remember requesting the Stealth coating from the dealership. It could be that the police have seen the stickers, but my old blue mini van and beat up Jimmy, that has paint flaking off the hood, just make them laugh.

Sure, you could call me a procrastinator, but I have to blame society for my criminal activity for 3 reasons;

1. Society says that I must work. This kills 5 days every week for car inspections and leaves only one day for this to be done. Inspections are done only in the mornings in all places that I have ever been to, and if you leave your car over night it complicates getting everyone where they need to be and involves friends, relatives and public transportation.

If I don't work, my family would need welfare and we would be a burden to society.

2. Society also says that in order to be a good parent you must sign your children up for all kinds of sports, lessons and after school activities. Over the span of a week, Amy and I get 15 mins of sit down time a day before 8:30 pm. Seriously.

I have to be the best parent I can be, for my children.

3. Our society is also a consumer based economy. Everyone is trying to make a sale and cars are always about to fall apart (according to the guys I always talk to). This coupled with the fact that I know nothing about cars makes me dread taking my car anywhere near an official state inspector. I can never leave any kind of car shop without a bill of over $300, and the feeling that I have just been violated. If it was just the $15 an inspection is supposed to be, and take only 20mins to complete, there would be no lawbreaking here.

If there are any trustworthy car places that do inspections and won't try to rob you, please share!

Amy and I joked that the only days we might be able to get the cars inspected would be in April during our spring break. We laughed our most villainous laughs while flipping through the calendar, and planned our most devious methods of detection avoidance. Now if I can just keep my car alarm from drawing any unwanted attention- I'll be all set!

Inspection sticker target dates, April 11th- 18th.

I have been thinking about getting a tattoo. Something that sums up my life in tribal lettering.

The Jell-O Incident

Mornings, during the school year, are always a little harried around my house. My oldest son stays home to catch the bus to his school, but the rest of us must gather our things and try and be in the minivan by 7:20 am. There are always problems. Sam may not be able to find his Power Ranger motorcycle to take to day care, or Savannah may be angry at the world because she was forced to get up too early. But not today.

Today, everything was great until I opened up Sam's door to get him in his booster seat. Sam is four and while that means he can't find his socks in the middle of the floor, he notices just about everything else.

I hear him yell, "Eeeeww! That's nasty!"

"What?" I say with the exhaustion of a parent that hasn't slept 8 hours in a row since before my first child was born.

"There is Jell-O on the seat."

Sure enough, under the edge of his booster seat is what appears to be an entire cup of orange Jell-O that has escaped the boundaries of the little aluminum foil covered cup that is been mysteriously opened, and tilted. It seems that often a parent's job is to be a detective and discover the culprit to every misdeed. I don't always understand the point of finding out who did something, but being well trained in this aspect of parenting, I automatically queried, "Did you do this Sam?"

"Not me," he answered with the coolness of a chilled cucumber.

"So the cup is under your seat, but you didn't do it?"

"Nope," he said as a halo began to form over his head.

"Ok, who did it? I know your brother didn't do it because he didn't eat his lunch on the way home from daycare in the five minute trip from the YMCA. I didn't do it, and your mom didn't do it. So, who did it?"

"Maybe Savannah did it."

Savannah is now getting into the car and has no idea what we are talking about, but at six, and stuck between the two boys in the family, she doesn't need to know what's going on. She knows the right answer. "It wasn't me."

As a good detective, I had to run down the list of suspects one more time. "I didn't do it. Your mom didn't do it. Calvin didn't do it. Savannah didn't do it, and Sam, you didn't do it. So who dumped the orange Jell-O on the car seat? Wait, I know! Maybe it was an alien."

It is wonderful to see the wheels turning in a child. Sam shouts, “Dad! I know what happened! While you, and mom, and Calvin, and Savannah, and Ducky (the cat), and Kona (the dog), and I were all asleep, a Nightmare snuck out of the closet. He came down the stairs, and went out to the car, and he dumped Jell-O all over the seat."

By now, I have finished cleaning up all of the Jell-O mess. Amy turns to me and says, "Do you buy that story?"

"Sounds like a good one to me!"

Case closed.